Having a breakthrough while learning from monks in the mountains of Mae Hong Son, and how being a trans man has simultaneously not mattered at all but affected everything happening

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At the close of my first month backpacking I felt like I was coming to a low point. After spending time in Southern Thailand and Penang, Malaysia I was unsettled. What was it I was looking for in the first place? What was the purpose of trip?

I was traveling through places that felt like they were made for holiday-ing but I didn’t feel like I was on a a holiday. There weren’t overly comfortable accommodations and transport, I wasn’t partying or drinking a lot. I wasn’t meeting a ton of people I truly connected with. I was relaxing some but not in the total zen, lay on the beach type of relaxing I would want out of a vacation.

It felt like a kind of limbo. Once I got through the initial shock to my system of being outside of America, nervous in bed for three days, there wasn’t a point I felt completely in over my head or out of my comfort zone. I wouldn’t say I’ve felt completely “comfortable” though- staying in some unbelievably cheap accommodations with bathrooms in disrepair and no running water, crammed in vans on long distance drives holding my knees with my feet pushed up against my bag. I think I was in the ballpark of where I wanted to be and how I wanted to feel but I hadn’t found my sweet spot.

I’ve had a difficult time connecting with fellow backpackers. I’m floating around Asia along the backpacker trail but I don’t feel like I’m really in the backpacker circle a lot of the time. It’s like getting invited to a party and you’re there but there’s this weird feeling in your stomach and you’re waiting to sneak out the back and go home. Sometimes it’s justified but I’ve found it easy to rush to judgement about people I just meet. I’ve met people who tell me they’ve ate pad thai or western food for almost every meal since they got to Thailand. I’ve cringed at the way people talk to locals, raising their voice when someone clearly isn’t understanding their English. Watched people make cultural faux paux of various degrees of seriousness. Hung out with travelers who walk around like they’re still in their country. I’ll accept invitations to hang out and then end up feeling a little embarrassed to walk around with them.

WAT PA TAM WUA

When I was planning my trip to Thailand I had a lot of curiosity around doing a Vipassana meditation retreat. I’ve meditated before, at the suggestion of therapists, but it’s never been a consistent practice in my life and I never tried Vipassana. There are a lot of options for retreats in Southeast Asia! I struggled to find one that fit my specific needs though. The ten day meditation retreat is pretty standard and felt really intimidating to commit to, and maybe even unhealthy for me personally. There’s a disclaimer on many monasteries’ websites that their retreats are intense and not suitable for people with any history of mental health issues/illness. I’m okay right now but it’s part of my history!

At the beginning of my trip, one evening laying around in my hostel watching TikToks I saw a woman talk about her time at Wat Pa Tam Wua. It’s a Buddhist monastery in the mountains of Thailand near the border of Myanmar/Burma in the Thai Forest Tradition. They accept foreigners and Thai people everyday with no reservation to come stay at the monastery and practice Vipassana for three to ten days. There’s no fee- it’s all donation based- they feed you two vegetarian meals a day, house you in dorms and private huts, and you follow a daily schedule involving meditation and an hour of work.

TRAVELING TO TAM WUA

I got to Wat Tam Wua via public transportation. A covered yellow truck makes a stop over at the temple, leaving twice daily from the small, but very tourist filled, hippie town of Pai for 120 baht (~$3.30). (If you’re interested in going to Tam Wua check out the dropdown below for more transport information) The day I went it was mostly other foreigners looking to stay at the temple, but the truck is used by a mix of local laypeople, monks and nuns, and foreigners heading to Tam Wua or Mae Hong Son. We piled in the back of the truck with bags of rice at our feet, packages crammed in any empty space, and cardboard box with a pair of chickens. The drive was steep and windy, and one of the most beautiful I’ve experienced in Thailand. As we climbed higher into the mountains the fog set in and rain came down, with lush lush greenery reminding me a lot of Washington State.

TRANSPORTATION TO WAT PA TAM WUA

If you’re in Pai I think the best method is to take the yellow truck, it leaves at 7 am and again at 11-11:30 am-ish. Show up 30 minutes early! It’s at the intersection next to the bus station where the Prempracha vans come and go, on the same side of the road (Google maps coordinates 19.360027, 98.441603). You can also book a Prempracha van for 150 baht to Mae Hong Son from the bus terminal or on their website (Be aware there’s a service charge if you book online) and select a stopover at Wat Pa Tam Wua from the drop down menu. This is also an option if you want to come directly from Mae Hong Son or Chiang Mai. Take motion sickness medicine before the drive even if you aren’t typically prone to motion sickness, the roads are very windy and some drivers take turns quite fast. (Hot tip: If you’re in Pai you can buy dimenhydrinate from the shop [called Bussakorn] across the intersection from where the yellow trucks are- I bought a good sized sheet for 8 baht [$0.22]!) If you’re coming from Pai or Mae Hong Son you could also hitchhike. It’s a perfect first hitchhiking experience because there’s one road that connects the two towns and Wat Pa Tam Wua is along the way. I used this guide to help me hitchhike back to Pai from the monastery! If you’re comfortable on a motorbike you can drive to the monastery but I can’t recommend it unless you’re an experienced, confident driver. This can be a very dangerous road for both foreign riders and locals, and there are unavoidable police checkpoints. Take a semi-automatic bike over a scooter.

The mountains and valleys are dotted with colorful villages where Hill Tribes (Hmong, Karen, Lisu, Lahu, Lawa, Pa-O peoples) live. This is one of the major coffee growing regions within Thailand. Arabica is one of the main crops for Hill Tribe people in this region and they sell coffee along with clothes and other handmade goods along the road between Pai and Mae Hong Son. I wish I had more time (and experience!) to take a motorbike, and stop and check out more stops along the loop. I could go on right now about coffee, coffee business, and coffee culture in Thailand but I’ll be brief in this post. I had zero exposure to Thai coffee in the speciality circle in the US but I’ve really enjoyed the coffee I’ve tasted here, specialty and more commercially available. There’s a lot of interesting coffee grown in Asia that’s specialty grade and roasters in the States aren’t really exploring green coffee from Thailand, Laos, Vietnam, China etc. I think there is consumer interest in more coffee from Asian origin in the US!

There were a lot of moments on the drive where I seriously teared up. I’ve been into a kind of eclectic mix of music recently, and had my headphones in for the first half, but there was a point where I needed the silence to take in the mountains, the fog, the air, and to prepare for the days to come. I soaked in all I could watching out the sides and back of the truck while two of the other guys headed to the temple hung out the back smoking and taking photos most of the two hour drive. At one point we stopped for a break at one of the viewpoints and I realized they wouldn’t have anymore meals after we arrived so I bought some hard boiled eggs for 20 baht, awkwardly peeling them and trying to keep my mess contained as we thumped over the mountain.

EXPERIENCE AT TAM WUA

At the temple we registered with a woman at reception, got assigned a room, and were guided to pick out white clothes which we were to wear the duration of our stay as well as bedding. I decided I would stay for 5 days and wrote it in the registration book. We had some time to settle in and set up our spot to sleep on the floor then we had an orientation. While we were there we would follow some monastery rules- no sex, no eating at the wrong time, no music, respect for the monks, and more. We were to wake up at 5 am and go to sleep around 9.

The evening wrapped up with an hour of chanting then another 40 minutes of sitting meditation. We sat cross legged in the dharma hall with chanting books in Roman text but three languages – Pali, Thai, and English. It was really interesting and fresh at first, we went through chants about the Buddha, Dharma, the Sangha, praising them and repenting for any wrongdoings. The chanting is really meditative, slow, and there’s a tone and stress on each syllable. I did get into the zone at first but with an hour of chanting my voice started to get sore and I was super uncomfortable trying to find a good sitting position. Once I was completely drained we shifted into the silent meditation and I struggled to get in the zone. Had I made the right choice coming to the monastery? I couldn’t concentrate and I couldn’t feel settled in.

I had similar struggles and doubts the next day. I woke up at 5 am and helped out in the kitchen prepping vegetables for breakfast, then we served rice to the monks before we ate. We meditated for two hours in the morning and another two hours after lunch. There was brief instruction but it was hard to understand how to keep your mind light and get into the zone. We would start with a very slow walk through the gardens around the monastery and sit and lie down while meditating. In the afternoon we walked through the forest. It was a gorgeous, relaxing setting but I struggled to feel relaxed myself.

I poured over books in all my free time about Buddhism and Vipassana and tried to understand how to relax my thoughts and keep a settled, free mind but I kept getting frustrated because I was distracted over and over during the actual meditation. I found myself irrationally annoyed with a man in front of me while we were doing the walking meditation because he was really slow and leaving a lot of space in the line. No matter how much I tried to remind myself he was just doing what he need to for himself and it didn’t actually affect anyone else or was intentional to bother others it kept coming back into my mind and that compounded my frustration with the meditation. It felt so frustrating to be going back into the fixation with judgement, frustration, and annoyance I was having with everything.

I sat through the evening block feeling hungry and shifting around in my seat, my body was sore the whole day and I was unable to find a way to sit without changing positions for more than a little while. I felt really low, and it got to the point where I promised myself I would buy some snacks after the session, even though I was trying to follow the eating schedule at the monastery. Afterwords I headed to the shop right inside the monastery gates, away from the rest of the buildings, and had some instant noodles and chips. There were a lot of people having their own makeshift dinner at the cafe. After a long day of quiet, pouring everything into the meditation I let it all out for a bit, laughed, and connected with a lot of cool people at the retreat.

That evening meditation was a slog to get through and every part of me wanted to leave early but having some dinner and chatting with people made me want to push myself to stay at least another full day. The third day things really turned around. Maybe it wasn’t noticeable from the outside but I felt my mind change in subtle ways. I let myself relax and I let my guard down, maybe too much! At one point during lunch I was chatting with some of my new friends and the same reception lady from the beginning came over to ask me to lower my voice. It all came back to me that I was in a temple and honestly I felt embarrassed because the intensity and thoughtfulness I had the day before had left me and I wasn’t really being mindful that I was in a temple. I sat with that feeling through the day and it helped me focus in my meditation more. We would walk and sit and lay down and I continued to get distracted but it didn’t frustrate me, it was part of the process. During the morning walking meditation I actually had the opposite situation from the day before. I was getting into the zone with each step and a man went around me and passed me in the line. I did feel annoyed, but with the perspective I had from all th experiences and reading in the monastery it was much easier to accept the situation and stay in a flow. It was fine if he wanted to walk faster because my practice was about me and improving my mind!

Through this I realized a few things. I was stuck in a cycle that was preventing me from getting the most I could out of the monastery, and maybe my whole trip. I would feel frustrated with the things people were doing around me and latch onto the fact that it kept happening, in turn being most frustrated with myself for having emotions about other people. My time at the temple became much more relaxing once I let off the pressure I was putting myself under. It was normal to feel judgemental or annoyed with people! I couldn’t control that, but I continued to control the way I reacted to situations, and how it guided my actions. I’ve been so hard on myself for the thoughts that pass through, and I think I got more caught up in that than in enjoying the experience and taking things as they are. I also stopped taking the meditation so seriously. I was there for five days and was not going to become a completely different person in that time!

When I let it go I felt so much more relaxed. I had moments of deep focus on my breathing, times where I was filled with intense emotion and love, and times where I just shifted around in my seat unable to focus but at peace with myself.

I ended up staying as long as I originally planned, leaving on the fifth day. I joined a woman l I met at Tam Wua and we were able to hitchhike together with a group back to Pai. An amazing Thai man named Po/Victor picked us up and drove four of us almost two hours through the mountain back. He worked for a tour agency and spoke English, Spanish, French, and Japanese great in addition to Thai. We were able to chat about meditation, Thai culture, and travel, a lot of it being in Spanish because the other three in hour group were native Spanish speakers and he switched over once he realized. It was surreal to be driving around rural Thailand with a Thai man speaking practically fluent Spanish.

FOOD POISONING, FINALLY!

Back in Chiang Mai I got hit that evening with what turned into a 5 day battle with traveler’s diarrhea/food poison of some sort. I didn’t feel particularly sick in a way I ever had before. I wasn’t completely taken out, but the loss of water left me feeling dehydrated and so so fatigued. I wasn’t throwing up or anything, but the fatigue made me depressed. I cried and fantasized about cooking my own meal in my own apartment. It took me too full two days of short walks, chugging water, and feeling low to make it to the pharmacy and I regret not going sooner! It was extremely easy and helpful. In Thailand you can go to the pharmacy and buy all sorts of medication without a prescription from a doctor. You just walk in and explain your symptoms and they’ll sell you the medicine they recommend for your particular situation. It’s possible to buy certain medications over the counter that you need a prescription for back in the states, like antidepressants.

I was nervous to go into the pharmacy and started off with asking if the worker could speak English at all in Thai. To my relief they cut me off and could communicate completely well in English hahaha. I was able to get some medication within five minutes and it cost about 250 baht ($7), not too bad! It wasn’t instant but it helped over the next few days, and the pharmacist also gave me the great advice to stop chugging water and electrolytes.

On my short fatigued walks through the alleyways around my hostel I met an older Thai woman who is a fortune teller and told me to call her auntie. We talked about life and spirituality for an hour or so she read my palms, hands, birthday, and tarot that evening. I asked about love and my purpose in life. She said to wait a little while and go home and I would make a lot of money… but it didn’t look like marriage was on my path. She kept pulling cards with the intention of asking about love and things about money and business kept coming up, she said it did seem like I had an important love in my life but it wouldn’t be a marriage type love. Sounds about right hahaha. After my reading she offered to be my business partner if I ever wanted to move to Chiang Mai and open a cafe.

POPULAR WITH THE LADIES (BUT THEY ALSO JUST WANT MY MONEY)

The hostel I stayed in came recommended from an Italian woman I met at the hostel. It wasn’t social but it was comfortable, quiet, and empty. A good place to lay around and feel gross for a few days. What I didn’t know until I started walking around is that it was surrounded by “special” massage shops and bars with scantily clad, overly friendly women. I couldn’t walk down the street without women following me, complimenting me, and sometimes grabbing me and trying to pull me into their shops. Obviously I didn’t come to Thailand for sex tourism but it’s still a ongoing industry around the country. In my experience it’s felt like “bonus” massage shops (and shopkeepers in non-sexual businesses as well) Thailand tend to target white men the most, especially who they perceive to be conventionally attractive, young white men and older guys who look like they have money.

I read about this online before coming to Thailand, but didn’t realize how hard it would be to avoid in certain areas. For me, it was almost impossible sometimes. It was uncomfortable but flattering at the same time. I know it’s all about money, but it’s hard to remember that and not feel an ego boost getting yelled at by women walking down the street hahaha. The last few days of my stay in Chiang Mai I would go out of my way and walk longer routes to avoid the massage shops with workers who tried to come on particularly strong.

Over my month and a half in Thailand I didn’t go out to bars really, just walked around and ate food and explored nature, but women were always forward with what they were thinking. I received multiple offers for girlfriends and wives (and one advance made by an older man hahaha), just shopping at malls and eating in restaurants. I started telling people I had a girlfriend back home but that didn’t deter anyone, they would just say “Well not in Thailand”!

SAFETY AND MALE PRIVILEGE AS A TRANS MAN

Even as a trans man I had so many of these interactions in Thailand. I don’t think I have a problem “passing”, even back in the states where people have more exposure to transmasculine people, and it has given me a lot of privilege and ease while traveling compared to the experiences other trans people may face traveling as I have been. I think I especially pass with locals I meet- I’m not unusually short by Asian standards and I would venture to say most people have never met a white trans man who has been open about being trans. Even with other foreigners it’s been fine, I’ve mentioned it before but I think people tend to just read me as gay and backpackers tend to keep any homophobia they might have close to their chest at least. I’ve been able to stay in all male dorms, shower and change in front of people without issue, and spend time in Malaysia which has explicitly transphobic laws.

It’s been a blessing and a privilege but also something I’ve constantly grappled with. At Wat Pa Tam Wua things are very explicitly and traditionally gendered. Men and women have their own dorms, are not allowed to touch each other, go into each others spaces, and have seperate lines for meals. Women are definitely treated harsher than men and have stricter rules. Men sit in front of women in the meditation hall, and are in the front of the line for walking meditation. Women are not allowed to go to certain parts of the monastery, cannot touch monks, and cannot talk with monks alone- they need a male chaperone or a group.

As a trans man who passes, I was unquestionably treated by the male standards. I’ve read online that androgynous people have had difficult experiences there. I followed all the rules during my time at Tam Wua, but I can’t say that I respect them or accepted them as appropriate. The rules surrounding women and the monks have less to do with a woman’s behavior and more to do with monks not being allowed to interact with women in any sort of way that could be construed as intimate, and I do have some understanding for that, but generally I feel like a lot of what was expected of us had a layer of sexisim to it. These kinds of double standards show up in other places in Thailand as well, like how in many temples women are not allowed inside or dress codes are unequally enforced between men and women. In Chiang Mai’s Silver Temple women cannot enter. At the White Temple in Chiang Rai there was a sign with a dress code saying women have to cover up their legs but men can have more leniency in their dress, and it’s honestly more of a (beautiful) art installation than an active temple.

As a tourist I don’t have any ability to speak up or change any of these long standing traditions. I do feel like generally, men and people who benefit from male privilege do have a responsibility to speak out against sexisim when they witness it or challenge sexist rules. It’s something I’ve done, and not always to my benefit, back at home. Being a visitor and a trans man things feel different. To some extent I can control where I put my money, but how much can I verbally and physically stand up for the ways I witness women treated differently than men? Probably not much. How much (ethically) should tourists push back against tradition and rules that are unfair, inappropriate, or wrong in their culture or country? I’m not sure.

Being a trans man has had no effect on the way people interact with me, because they can’t really see it, but it consistently affects the way I interact with other people. I am guarded in a way I don’t guard myself at home. I could argue that America might be a more unsafe place for queer people than parts of Southeast Asia, but being around people from cultures all around the world that I’m not entirely familiar I can’t move through the world without a wall up. I do disclose to some people I meet that I’m queer, or that I’m trans, but it’s not the norm and I’ve become more selective about it. It means being particularly careful with people, and I’ve definitely had moments that felt risky. When a massage worker starts putting her hands all over me saying she wants to give a “happy” massage I have to work extra hard to get her hands off me quickly. On the slow boat from Thailand to Laos this week all the drunk Lao aunties started going around trying to feel up all the men’s “assets” and I have to go hide in the back. I often have no idea how people would react to me being a trans man, maybe it would be completely fine or funny, but I feel like I’m not in a position right now to take that chance.

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Now I’m in Laos! I felt like getting ill in Chiang Mai made me lose my steam but I feel reinvigorated being in a new country that I’ve dreamed of visiting for years. It’s beautiful, but challenging to navigate in ways I couldn’t predict or read about online ahead of time. I’ve also spent the last few days drinking a lot more than I expected to but I’ve had a truly Lao cultural experience taking the slow boat over two days from Huay Xai to Luang Prabang down the Mekong river. I normally don’t like to drink very much (if at all) but it’s been a weird few days. I’m so grateful for the privilege of being able to travel and for Lao people, children and adults, to have welcomed me arms open into the country. Stay tuned for more of a guide type post to navigating budget travel in Laos. From almost everything I heard and read I was expecting a cheaper experience traveling than in Thailand and so far that hasn’t been the case!

I have no rigid schedule for posting on here right now and no template, not sure how things are going to look! Writing is one of my long standing passions and I’m excited to be able to share things and unique that maybe no one has ever publicly shared before. My birthday is this Sunday (technically it’ll be on Monday in Asia because of the time difference) and I think I’m going to splurge a little on a nicer hotel, otherwise I have no idea what I’ll do! Been so consumed in the travel and it’s crept up on me. What do you do to celebrate turning 24 alone in a new country?